The Sky's the Limit
by sf
Summary: The Sanzoikkou, for reasons unknown, end up at the airport trying to catch a flight, a new and ...interesting... experience for all and sundry.


The Sky's the Limit  
- by sf  
  
Summary : The Sanzo-ikkou, for reasons unknown, end up at the airport trying to catch a flight, a new and ...interesting... experience for all and sundry.  
or..  
Just another reason why the Sanzo-ikkou *drove* to the West instead of flying there.  
  
  
Warnings : AU ... kinda, only because they don't have airplanes in Saiyuki (or they wouldn't have gone by land, would they?) Language, oh boy. Ba-a-ad language. ^_^  
  
Author's Groans :  
Crickey... I proofed this *four* times, and I was *still* finding errors on the 4th re-reading. This is what happens when you write a fic at 9:00pm on a caffiene high and proofread it at 12:30am... *falls over*.  
  
--  
  
"Hakkai, are airplanes good to eat?"  
  
To the background of Gojyo's howling laughter, Hakkai tried to explain what an airplane was to Goku.   
  
"Sou ka..."  
  
"Another thing, Goku. You'd better pick up some food before you go on board."  
  
"Why? Don't they serve meals aboard?"  
  
Goku's jaw dropped steadily as Hakkai explained about the realities of airplane single-portion servings and the fact that, on this 8 hour night flight, they only served one meal - dinner.  
  
"Where did you learn all this from?" Gojyo inquired.  
  
"Books," Hakkai smiled back.  
  
"So you've never actually boarded a plane before?"  
  
"Well, no. This is a first for all of us."  
  
"But Hakkai, what am I supposed to do?!" Goku wailed. "I won't *survive* 8 hours with just one meal! And they don't even serve appetizers!"  
  
"Serves you right, baka," Gojyo smirked.   
  
"What baka? You baka!" Goku snapped back.  
  
"I'm not the one dying on this flight. Baka baka baka~!"  
  
"Ero cockroach! And you'll be picking up all the stewardesses, I bet!"  
  
"Wha--? Where the hell did you learn that from?"  
  
"What, the stewardesses? From Hakkai, you dolt!"  
  
"I meant the ero-cockroach part, you dumb as nuts ape!"  
  
"Yeah? What's with nuts?"  
  
"You're nuts, that's what!"  
  
"Maa, maa..."  
  
"SHUT UP!" both combatants yelled simultaneously, then glared at each other.  
  
"YOU STOLE MY LINE!" Goku snapped.  
  
"YOU COPIED *MY* LINE!"  
  
"Yeah? You-"  
  
"U...RU...SAAAAAAAIIIIII!!!!!!!!" a furious Sanzo stormed out of the next room, whipped out his Smith and Wesson and fired.   
  
Gojyo and Goku dived for cover. The window pane shattered behind them.  
  
"San...zo..." Hakkai sweatdropped madly. "The landlord is not going to be happy..."  
  
"To fucking hell with that landlord!" Sanzo raged. The blood-vessel at his temple was throbbing furiously. "I can't even turn my back for 5 fucking minutes without these ... *idiots* ... screaming loud enough to bring the house down!"  
  
"But Sanzo-sama, *you're* the one who shot out the window," Gojyo said innocently.  
  
The blood-vessel in Sanzo's temple was joined by another throbbing counterpart just under his right eye. And Gojyo was forced to dive for cover again, as another bullet zapped past his ear.  
  
There was dead silence as plaster flaked off the wall.  
  
"Any more smart assed comments?" Sanzo asked dangerously into that silence.  
  
"Iie..."  
  
"Good. Ikku-zou!"  
  
"But Sanzooooooooo, they only serve *one* meal aboard the flight!" Goku wailed.  
  
Sanzo generously rapped Goku on the head with his paper fan. "Bakazaru."  
  
"San*zo*!!!"  
  
"We'll buy some food and bring it aboard," Hakkai suggested hurriedly. "Don't worry about that, Goku."  
  
"Ch'... I'm surrounded by idiots." Sanzo stormed out.  
  
  
  
By the time they reached the airport, Goku was carrying enough food to use up the hand-luggage weight quota for all of them. As they pulled up to the Departure Hall, Goku leapt out of Hakuryuu, his eyes shining. "We're here!"  
  
"Baka. Where did you think we were?" Gojyo taunted.  
  
"Are you going to start that shit again?" Sanzo demanded.  
  
"No... no, Sanzo-sama." Gojyo sweatdropped.  
  
"And quit that Sanzo-sama bullshit!"  
  
"Sanzo, calm down," Hakkai advised. "You'll get a drink soon..."  
  
Sanzo twitched violently. "I sure as hell need one. With these morons bitching all the way from the hotel to the airport..."  
  
"Sanzo, could you... watch your language?" Hakkai asked delicately. "People are staring."  
  
"And they can go on staring until their fucking eyeballs drop out!" Sanzo whipped the Gold Card out of his robes. "Thanks those bakas, we're late. Let's go before we miss that bloody flight."  
  
  
Thanks to their lack of luggage, checking in was a relatively painless process, involving very little bloodshed and only a handful of bullets. The paper fan, on the other hand, was subject to much overuse, thanks to Goku's incessant pleas for nourishment while Hakkai was procuring their tickets.  
  
And thanks to the aforementioned pleas for nourishment, they were obliged to stop at one of the airport's restaurants for food, at 4:00pm in the afternoon.  
  
As Goku ate his way through the menu and beyond, a pile of beer cans grew in front of Sanzo and Gojyo, while Hakkai smiled and called for his tenth bottle of sake.   
  
The peace couldn't last.  
  
The food ran down to the last dish, and there was a brief, heated debate between Gojyo and Goku about the ownership of the last spring roll. It involved a lot of threats and chopstick waving.  
  
It was followed by a series of very loud thumps and a couple of screams.  
  
Goku and Gojyo collapsed to the floor, rubbing their heads. Sanzo tossed a few more Death Glares around, then secreted the fan into his sleeve and sat down again.  
  
"Kyuu... *baapp*," Hakuryuu burped, and fell off Hakkai's shoulder onto his lap. "Kyuuuuu..."  
  
"I think we should be going," Hakkai said diplomatically. "Especially if we want to visit the Duty Free shops."  
  
"What do Duty Free shops sell?" Goku asked, bouncing up again.  
  
"Nothing that concerns you, ape," Gojyo answered.  
  
"Liquor, mostly," Hakkai said.   
  
"Oh, liquor... can I have some?"  
  
*THWACK*  
  
*CRASH*  
  
Goku looked up from the floor. "But Sanzoooooooo..."  
  
"How many times do I have to tell you that you're too young to drink?" Sanzo snapped, still brandishing the fan.  
  
"Please Sanzo, let's get going," Hakkai urged.  
  
"Hmph." Sanzo said, and walked out...  
  
...without paying the bill.  
  
  
What promptly ensued was a rather tense situation, as Sanzo levelled his gun at the spot between the manager's eyes, attempting to put across the point that it was a genuine mistake, and he was not fucking trying to run away, thank you...  
  
...and the manager's deputy, seeing a gun, and having quite a lot of common sense, called airport security.  
  
Airport security promptly came running and left even more quickly, nursing wounds from Sanzo's acid tongue. The censorship board fled screaming as well, as enough foul language to fill the entire airport was uttered.   
  
Which proves that common sense isn't so good when dealing with the Sanzo-ikkou.  
  
  
By now, the manager had figured out that it was a good idea to let this particular customer pay as soon as possible, at least while he was still willing to do so. The faster he got rid of them, the less customers would be scared away, and the less bullet holes he would have to patch up... And this realization saved everyone a lot of pain.  
  
  
  
Hakkai breathed a quiet sigh of relief as he steered Sanzo away from the restaurant and towards immigration. "Goku, Gojyo, you can come out now..." he called.  
  
Goku peeked out from behind the sofa. "You actually got his gun?"  
  
"Er... no..."  
  
"Then I'll stay where I am, thank you," Gojyo's voice floated up from behind said sofa. It was testimony to how dangerous the situation had been that Goku and Gojyo could actually take cover behind the same sofa without excess bloodshed.  
  
"Get walking, or you'll get left behind," Sanzo growled.  
  
Goku muttered a terrified *eep* and scurried out. Gojyo followed rather more cautiously, emerging only when he was certain that no bullets were forthcoming.  
  
  
Amazingly, they cleared immigration without incident.  
  
*And* the duty free shops.  
  
  
Which meant that trouble descended, full force, at the security checkpoint just before they boarded the plane.  
  
"I'm sorry, sir, this is a non-smoking flight," the attendent said pleasantly to Gojyo.  
  
"This is a... *what*?" Gojyo demanded. "Now look here..."  
  
"Gomen... there weren't any seats on the smoking flights..."  
  
"Hakkai." Sanzo's tone was dangerously soft.  
  
"I... er..." Hakkai's smile didn't seem to have its usual pacifying effect.  
  
"Are you telling me that I can't smoke for _8_ hours? 8 whole freaking hours?" Gojyo said, his voice rising steadily in pitch and volume.  
  
"You can survive without smoking for 8 to 10 hours when you're asleep," Hakkai pointed out.  
  
"That's... that's different! Ch! How could you do this to us, Hakkai?"   
  
"Gomen... gomen... look, please, can we settle this later?" Hakkai asked desperately, caught between Gojyo's furious countenance and the very, *very* pointed glare that Sanzo was giving him.  
  
"Ch," Gojyo swore.  
  
"Please step through the metal detector, sir," the attendent said to Hakkai.  
  
"What's it do?" Goku asked, all wide eyed curiosity.  
  
"It detects metal," the attendent explained. "When there's more than a certain amount of metal on you, it triggers an alarm."  
  
"I see..." Goku said, eyeing it doubtfully.  
  
Hakkai shrugged and stepped through hurriedly, eager to put more distance between himself and his two furious companions.  
  
"Lemme try..." Goku bounced through.  
  
The Little Blinky Lights at the top of the metal detector promptly went ballistic, and the alarm went *twang*.  
  
"Huh? Nani?"  
  
"Uh, sir, please put any metal objects you may be carrying over here. I think your headband is setting off the detector..."  
  
"My what? Oh."  
  
"Please remove-"  
  
"Nononono! I can't!" Goku's eyes went wide.   
  
"Do you need help with it?" the attendent asked, mistaking him. And reached for the kinko.  
  
Goku sprang back. "You don't get it! I can't take it off!"  
  
Hakkai whispered something in the attendent's ear. His face went an interesting shade of white in contrast to his dark uniform. "I see... well, could you stand over here for a minute? I'll just use the hand scanner..."  
  
The hand scanner went blippity bleepity boink somewhere around Goku's mid-section.  
  
"Are you carrying any other metallic objects?" the attendent asked.  
  
"Oh, you must mean this. NYOIBOU!"   
  
There was a brilliant flash as Nyoibou morphed into existence. The attendent and the security guards leapt back.   
  
"Sir, we can't allow hand-luggage exceeding 1 meter aboard the plane! It wouldn't fit in the overhead compartment!"  
  
"Is that a problem?" Goku tilted his head. "Well, I can fix it. Smaller, Nyoibou!"  
  
It shrank to half the size, and Goku twirled it happily. "See? No problem?"  
  
The attendent sweatdropped. "But..."  
  
"Let it pass," Sanzo said, his tone suggesting that the future was about to become *very* exciting if he wasn't obeyed.  
  
"Hai... hai..." the attendent said frantically. "Next please," he nodded to Gojyo.  
  
Gojyo sauntered through the metal detector, which did the bleepity bleepity bong routine again.  
  
"Oh, I forgot." Gojyo reached behind him, and pulled out his shaku jou. (That's a *very* long, very *pointy* weapon, involving a scythe blade attached to a chain on one end, and a flat blade on the other hand. You can tell that it's trouble just by looking at it.)   
  
"I... we can't allow that onboard..."  
  
"Ch! Why not?"  
  
"Regulations..." the attendent said in a strangled voice.  
  
"And what the hell do you expect me to do with it?"  
  
"We can arrange for it to be shipped in cargo," someone else chirped. "It's far too long to carry onboard, anyway."  
  
"What the fuck?" Gojyo demanded.  
  
"Gojyo, please," Hakkai said, sounding strained.  
  
"First you ask me to give up my cigarettes, then you ask me to give up my shaku jou? Just who's side are you on, Hakkai?!"  
  
It was Sanzo who came to Hakkai's rescue. "Just hand the damn thing over, will you? We're wasting a shitload of time here!"  
  
And when Sanzo took that tone, even Gojyo listened. "Alright, stupid monk," he grumbled, handing it over relunctantly. And watched in amusement as the attendent, totally unprepared for the weight of the thing, toppled over backwards when he took it.  
  
  
Abruptly, one of the officers noticed something. "Excuse me, sir? Is that yours?" he pointed at Hakuryuu.  
  
"Yes, he is," Hakkai replied.  
  
"Kyuu?" Hakuryuu asked.  
  
"I'm afraid we don't allow pets on board."  
  
"Kyuu!"  
  
Hakkai's face went very still. "He's not a pet."  
  
"He-"  
  
"He. Is. Not. A. Pet. Any more questions?" There was this very silky, very dangerous undertone in Hakkai's voice. And he was smiling. The smile a crocodile gives you just before it eats you. It suddenly occurred to the officer that questions were a Bad Idea at this point in time.   
  
"...No..."  
  
"Hakuryuu is a paying customer," Hakkai continued. "We purchased a seat for him."  
  
"Oh, that's fine, then," the officer said weakly, grasping at the offered chance to escape.  
  
"Very good," Hakkai said, "I would hate to cause any ...trouble..." And smiled some more.  
  
The officer ducked behind his companions.  
  
  
"Through you go, sir," the attendent said to Sanzo. "Please remove any-"  
  
"I know," Sanzo said coldly, reaching up his sleeve.  
  
  
There was a rattle, a rustle, and a pause. A puzzled frown crossed the priest's face. "Ch... where is it..."  
  
There was another rattle, and Sanzo sighed impatiently. "Fine..."  
  
And began removing everything from his spandex space.  
  
The cigarettes, ten packs in all, accompanied by two lighters, emerged first. Followed by a newspaper, rather crumpled. Then the paper fan. And a second fan. Then a pair of spectacles, a paintbrush, several lengths of sutra, and finally, his diadem, which landed on top of the rest with a metallic clank.  
  
Everyone sweatdropped.  
  
"Oh, and this."  
  
He emptied out several hundred bullets and his Smith and Wesson on to the pile.  
  
"Sir, we can't allow guns on board..." the attendent said in a squeak of a voice.  
  
Sanzo cranked his glare up to 'Baleful' and turned it on the attendent. "Who ever decided what you can allow and what you can't?"  
  
"It's-in-the-rules," the attendent said, shrinking away.  
  
Sanzo's glare went from 'Baleful' to 'Deadly'.  
  
"'ere," the security guard said, with the brusqueness of one who hasn't faced Sanzo in his wrath before. "Sticks we can accept. Pets we can accept. Even poles with sharp ends. But guns are a no-no."  
  
The Sanzo-ikkou was silent in the face of this ultimum. It was a very special kind of silence. The kind that had the air so charged that you expected lightning bolts to crackle through it at any moment. You could *feel* your hair standing in that silence.  
  
"Guns are a ... 'no-no'?" Sanzo asked delicately, his eyebrow twitching only very slightly.  
  
"Yeah. Absolutely no guns."  
  
Sanzo picked up the S&M with deliberate care... then spun and directed it straight at the guard.   
  
Who brandished his own pistol in return. "I think we have a stand-off here, buddy."  
  
No one, absolutely no one, points a gun at Sanzo and calls him 'buddy'. Not if they want to live.  
  
Hakkai might have stopped the carnage, but the insult to Hakuryuu made him stand back, a little smirk on his face. Certainly Goku and Gojyo weren't about to intervene on the poor man's behalf, especially not when it involved going up against *Sanzo*.  
  
"Korosuzo," Sanzo hissed.   
  
And that was just the beginning.  
  
  
  
The Sanzo-ikkou left the airport, leaving behind a trail of bruised and bloody security guards. And police. And riot police. And military police. And even the military. The injury count was somewhere in the thousands and still counting.  
  
As they stepped out, Sanzo was heard to comment, "That's it, I'm buying my own plane and flying private from now on."  
  
"But Sanzo, you can't fly," Goku pointed out.  
  
"Who said I was going to fly it?" Sanzo returned, looking straight at Hakkai.  
  
"I... I guess I can try," Hakkai smiled.  
  
"No way I'm flying with you lot!" Gojyo yelled. "I don't want to die a virgin!"  
  
"URUSAI! KOROSU!"   
  
Two gunshots punctuated his point. Silence descended.  
  
Then there was just the cheerful chug of Hakuryuu's engine, as the jeep accelerated into the glowing sunset...   
  
~Owari~  
  
  
Disclaimer :  
  
This fic was in no way inspired by recent events, and was never intended to be insulting or hurtful. If it was, I apologize in advance, and I hope that readers can take this to be exactly what it is - a humor fic, nothing more.  
  
I do not ... *twitch* ... own ... Saiyuki ... *twitch*  
  
There. I've said it. ;_;  
  
Author's Note :  
  
This idea has been going around in my head for *ages*, but I only got round to writing it recently, in the middle of a serious period of Saiyuki deprivation. Gimme my Saiyuki! Waiiii~~~~  
  
May this serve as an inspiration for all ye Saiyuki fan fic writers to WRITE MORE~! ^^  
  
- sf, March 2-3, 2002. 


End file.
